Voices in my head

On any given day, this was typical dialogue running through my head.

When I get home, I'll take care of the kids, make dinner, go workout, and then have a drink. By that point in the night, I have "earned" it, my kids will be asleep (or just about in bed), and I can relax with my husband and enjoy a cocktail...or two.

Sometimes I made it through all chores and working out. Sometimes the chores, and sometimes not. Sometimes coming home at 5pm sounded like a great time to have a first drink!

The first drink went down quickly and smoothly. It was the beginning to taking the edge off. I looked forward to that first drink all day. A great day earned a drink. A frustrating day did as well. So did a long day, or a PMS day, or a celebratory day. Any day could be configured into a day that deserved a drink. Easily.

The second drink came quickly, in an attempt to elevate the slight buzz from drink #1. At this point I would say I was in the most desirable state of being; it's too bad I can't ever remember that and stop.

Drink #2 always became #3, and sometimes even #4.

Drink #3 and 4 almost always brought on sleepiness, and usually an early night. My husband never seemed to get as tired as I did. Crawling into bed early seemed soooo desirable at the time every night. Oh to get 9 hours of sleep! Especially being the parent of 2 young kids...who get up early...oh, to get the extra sleep.

Upon waking up in the morning, sometimes I felt pretty good considering I had 3 drinks the night before, and sometimes I felt somewhat crappy, due to the fact that I had 4 drinks. Actually, I felt like I was a responsible drinker if I could get the maximum buzz the night before and still feel great the next morning.

But this is when the vicious cycle began. On the drive to work, thinking to myself, I beat myself up over drinking the night before.

OK, I need to quit. Or take a break. Or slow down. Tonight I will skip drinking. Tonight I will take a break, workout, and skip the drinks until the weekend. I shouldn't be drinking every day. If I take a break tonight, I can drink Friday night. My kids deserve a mom who doesn't drink every night. I shouldn't need to drink to be more patient with my kids. OK, I am NOT going to drink tonight. Done. OK, I can do this.

All day, this thought process would continue, and mentally I felt like I could stay on track. Until the drive home. The closer I got to my house, the more I let myself say things like...

Oh, today was a great day, let's celebrate with a drink! or Rick will be coming home from happy hour, and I'll want to drink with him. or I have Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday to skip drinking, I can drink just on Monday.

And then the next evening began, all over again.

I think the longest I quit was:

• 1 day (workout goal)
• 4 days (losing weight goal, actually lost 3 pounds!)
• 9 months (pregnancy)
• very limited drinking (during breastfeeding times - 8 months and 1 year)
• 3 months (last year, one other attempt, just like this one)

I obviously cannot stay away for periods of time on my own (unless birthing is involved)

And I obviously cannot limit the amount on my own (unless we ran out!)

Therefore, I should not be drinking at all. Tough sentence to write, think, say, did I mention THINK? But I'm slowly getting used to the idea, and I am doing my best to take each day at a time.

The best result of all this? I have such clarity about how much fun and wonderful and awesome my kids are. I always knew this, OF COURSE. But in my mind, alcohol made me more patient, made me tolerate the tantrums better, made me settle the sibling fights better, and made me a more fun parent to be around.

WRONG.

That was all a delusion.

NOW I am patient (most of the time...PMS is still the exception to the rule), now I tolerate the tantrums better (wait, does anyone ever get good at these?), I settle the sibling fights better (actually, they don't fight that much....yet) and I'm a more fun parent to be around. I'm sober enough to recognize, "damn, I'm fun!"

And in all this clarity, I am seeing more awesomeness in my kids. And I'm remembering it the next day. That is priceless. That is the reason I made this change. They are the reason I am changing my life.

More to come on their awesomeness in a future post. 'Cause everyone loves to hear about other people's kids, right?

Apology accepted

Not 5 minutes after I posted the last entry, my co-worker apologized for not being supportive. She said she felt bad because I came to her with something personal, and instead of congratulating me, she tried to downplay my story. And she offered her support should I ever need it.

Alright, I guess I can let that one slide.

Overreacting

Yesterday I told a co-worker/friend that I went to a great AA meeting that I really dug and planned on going back every Wednesday. I had told her 2 weeks ago that I quit drinking, and described my reason as wanting to do better for my kids, take control, etc. She congratulated me and said she was impressed and proud that I was taking this step.

Yesterday's reaction was quite different though, and it has me feeling quite frustrated and a bit irked. The conversation went somewhat like this:

Her: Oh wow, I didn't know you had a real problem...do you really think you need to go to meetings?
Me: Well, I wouldn't say I'm down on my luck or anything, but going to a meeting once a week to reinforce my desire to quit can't hurt, right?
Her: What, are you fiending for it everyday?
Me: Well, no,  not fiending.. But I would say I definitely think about it.
Her: Oh, you don't have a problem. That doesn't sound bad if you aren't jonesing for it.
Me: But I was drinking everyday. That's definitely a problem.
Her: Shoot, I have friends who drink everyday. There's nothing wrong with that.
Me: Do they have kids?
Her: No.
Me: See? there's the difference. If something were to happen to my kids, and I was 3 drinks in, I wouldn't be able to take them to the ER. That's a problem.
Her: You can't drive on 3 drinks? Not that you should, but in an emergency you could.
Me: No, by drink #3 I'm pretty buzzed. And I don't want to risk driving my kids on 3 drinks. At night. In an emergency. Besides, what's wrong with wanting to quit just so that I'm a better parent? So that they never look back and say, "Wow, my mom was a drunk."
Her: Your kids would never say that. You are totally overreacting and being too hard on yourself.
Me: Ok, what about the whole new information that excessive drinking could definitely cause breast cancer?
Her: Look, 90% of all people will die from some sort of cancer.
Me: Well, it just doesn't seem very smart to fuel the fire and lock in the fact that you will definitely get breast cancer. Just like smoking. You are asking for it.
Her: I don't know. I just think there's nothing wrong with coming home and drinking. You are definitely overreacting.

Look, Hun. I have told myself for 2 years now that I have been overreacting every time I want to stop. I told myself I didn't have a problem. Now that I have FINALLY come to the realization that I NEED TO QUIT, I don't need someone else telling me I am overreacting. I mean really, who does that? How about, way to go! I'm proud of you! I'm glad you found a meeting you like.

Someone told me my first week, It can't hurt to stop drinking. It can do no harm. The alternative is to continue drinking, possibly with a problem, possibly with something bad happening. The only thing quitting can do is make things better!

So, suck-it co worker/friend. Work on your etiquette skills.

I have Met my Meeting

Tonight I attended my second AA meeting. The first one last week was a candlelight session on a Tuesday, and there were about 5 people there. All 5 people were down on their luck, quite a bit older, and had a lot of depressing details to share in the hour and a half.

Tonight's meeting was a "fun bunch discussion" meeting, and more up my alley. There were about 60 people there, sarcastic comments and jokes were told throughout, and stories ranged from having great days to not so great. The mix of people went from college kids, to married men and women, people with kids, young and old, and adults who have 30 years sobriety. I instantly felt like I could connect with each person in a different way. This meeting's tradition at the start of teh hour is to go around the room and state your name and date of sobriety. When I told the room I have 2 weeks, they all applauded me and welcomed me. Throughout the night about 10 people came up and introduced themselves, and the girl sitting next to me talked to me during the whole break, and we even swapped numbers at the end of the night.

The very first man who spoke said the only amount of time he could remain sober while he was drinking was 1 day, or one time he even made it to 3 days. 6 speakers later, a woman shared that she understood what he was talking about, because she too couldn't even do the 1 day. She would wake up and tell herself in the morning, "Today I am not going to drink. I can do this." But by 3pm she convinced herself she was overreacting and having a drink would be no big deal.

Talk about someone sharing EXACTLY how I have felt for so long now!

There were girls there my age, there were girls younger than me, and there were women a little bit older than me. It helped to see that we are all in there for the same reason, and it happens to women too!  And it doesn't make us bad people. We are there to make ourselves better people...people who don't drink.

So, Wednesdays are my meeting days, I have decided. This one feels right. It's funny because when I pulled up and saw sooo many people, my stomach turned into knots and I was terrified to go in. But it ended up being the meeting I am looking for. Someone even said tonight, "if you're comfortable, you're doing something wrong." So, I learned that stepping out of my comfort zone can lead to great things. Life a life of sobriety.

Although, I still can't get past the thought that I won't ever be able to drink again. One day at a time, one day at a time.

2 weeks!

I made it through the weekend and made it to 2 weeks today! I definitely feel I made it through the weekend because I kept my ass busy the entire time. Look!

1. trip to home depot
2. guests stopped by
3. installed new screen door
4. swam
5. made lunch
6. watched football
7. went out to dinner and hockey game
8. watched movie
9. went jogging with Loudoun
10. installed ceiling fan in Loudoun's room
11. swam
12. ordered lunch in
13. swam
14. gardening
15. went out to dinner
16. football

Starting today, I am back on my dailyplate plan, so this week should be somewhat simple to stay away from drinks or even really crave them, what with all the walking, jogging and salad eating. Focus!

Saturday night+Hockey game=drinks wanted!

Luckily, I stayed strong, but I sure wanted a drink last night! I was doing fine until we got to dinner before the game. The fact that we went to a sports bar for dinner didn't bother me. Seeing all of our friends there already buzzed bothered me. But I quickly tried to put the desire out of my mind, and focus on my kids. It felt good to stay in the moment for them, and honestly? I had more fun being sober with my family then I think I would've had drinking. Look, Loudoun even made me a cake:


Once at the game, the desire to drink disappeared and a fun time was had by all. Loudoun loves the game, we already know that. He made a sign earlier in the afternoon and held it up often, cheering, "go kings go, go kings go." The last time we took Avalon, she was a year old, and didn't want to sit still. This time, she was so happy to have her own chair, sit in between mom and dad, and clap right along with the rest of us.

Of course, Avalon only lasted about 1 period, but in her defense it was already close to 10pm. We cruised home, put the kids right to bed, and vegged out to watch the 2nd half of our movie we couldn't finish the night before.

I read somewhere on the internet today, that if you are feeling like you want a drink, to think about getting through "today," not about all of the days in the future that you won't be able to drink. It seems to have worked last night. And I had a great time with my family. Whaddaya know, you can have fun without drinking.

First 11 day catch-up

9/8: Day after Labor Day weekend. Start day! Seemed rather easy, since all weekend I was excited to begin the process.


9/9: Caught a sore throat, made not drinking easy. Also, Rick decided to join me not drinking for 30 days. YAY!


9/10: Flu is still around, actually worse than yesterday. Drinking is not even on my mind. Actually, I am really excited about feeling better mentally.


9/11: Day 3 of the flu. Shoot, keep this flu going and quitting drinking will be a breeze!


9/12: Still sick. First day of weekend, which normally would have been the hardest to get through. Sickness made this a non issue. Rick is still going strong too. Got book in the mail from Amazon: Mommy doesn’t drink here anymore: Getting through the first year of sobriety.” Got good reviews, hopefully it will be helpful.

9/13: Turns out I have strep throat. Antibiotics should knock this sickness out quick!

9/15: Went to first AA meeting. Meeting everyone there made me feel really grateful to have everything I have. It also reinforced my desire to fix this issue now early on, instead of letting it get out of hand down the road. I told my story during the candlelight discussion, and of course cried. But I was still able to talk and it felt good to get it out.

9/16: Had a nice lunch with Rick where we discussed my previous night’s meeting and also both agreed that getting through each day is much easier than we both thought it would be. It seemed so much harder to commit to quitting, but actually not drinking hasn’t been too tough. Not taking for granted that it won’t always be like this, but enjoying it nonetheless. Also told Jamie, and of course she was supportive.


9/17: Jogged a full mile without walking, just like I used to do all last year! Haven’t done it since we moved here. Part of that might have been the heat of the summer, but part of that was definitely motivation, or a lack thereof.


9/18: Went to an Anworth lunch and wanted wine. Everyone at the table had some except me. Nobody asked why I wasn’t drinking, which surprised me and made me a little bit anxious on the walk to lunch. I wasn’t tempted enough to take one, but looking at all of the glasses I definitely wanted one. I did come to a realization. I don’t crave 1 glass of wine (or 1 drink). I crave LOTS for a drunk feeling. And obviously that isn’t possible at a company luncheon, so it wasn’t too hard to talk myself out of wanting one.


Also a tad bit anxious about getting through the weekend. Last weekend I was sick the entire time, so it was easy! This weekend I will have to make sure I keep myself busy.


Jogged a mile again tonight, 2 days in a row!