I've got a problem.

I cannot stop drinking.

Diet Coke.

Every day. 1 in the afternoon at work. Two in the evening when I get home.

And weekends?

Try and stop me from finishing a case.

I guess you could say it's all caffeine that's the problem.

Because my coffee intake has increased as well.

Most people do it though, right?

Replace alcohol with something else?

I knew not to bring cigarettes back.

And blow and weed couldn't become the new habit.

What harm is a little caffeine and splenda?

OK, a lot.

And the harm is that I am still seeking a change. A distraction.

I come down and need more.

I get sleepy on the drive home.

I feel sad when the case is empty in the pantry.

Maybe the solution is gum.

Sure, I can be the annoying chick chomping all day long.

But at least I won't be drunk and isn't that the most important part?

Someday I'll figure out how to wean off caffeine.

A little bit.

Household Chores

Next week I am leaving for the entire week for a work seminar, and Rick has decided to milk free time to himself leading up to my departure, as.much.as.he.possibly.can. One golf outting has turned into 2, plus poker tonight with the boys. That's alright, I'll more than make up for it by taking 3 naps a day in my hotel all by myself, and going out to dinner every night, relaxing, with no bored family members trying to escape from our booth. Oh sure, I'll be listening to important, informative information while I'm there....but in between, yeah, that's where I'll enjoy the good stuff and boy will he be jealous. I wouldn't be surprised to see him at my hotel door on day 2, sans kids.

Anyway, in his absense tonight, while he is off making the big bucks with all of his royal flushes, the kids and I are home taking care of some household chores. We've been putting them off, and felt the time had come to just get our hands dirty and take care of some business.

We filled some canning jars

We fed the cat

We slammed the door & stopped an intruder from coming in

We made funny faces

We taught the neighbor that we don't like trespassers

We studied some artifacts

Displayed our love for the movie Scream

And tried to address our spider problem.

Boy, do we have a spider problem.

 

All joking aside, of course I am going to miss my family INCREDIBLY. I think the most I've ever left them at one time was 3 days, and this time it will be 5. At least Rick will have plenty of time to clean up spiderwebs.

Social Media

I can remember typing school papers on our home typewriter. I can remember my dad working on his computer, before there was the internet. His company server room had those BIG tape reels and it was super LOUD in there. I can remember begging my parents for a pager as a teenager and buying my first cell phone in my 20's.

These days, I am extremely hip with technology times. I rely on computers for my job, my husband is a web developer for an ad agency and electronics and computers are everywhere throughout our house. My kids can both play computer games, and have been able to since a very young age.

I wouldn't say I jumped on the social media bandwagon immediately with everyone else, but I definitely joined in pretty quickly as each application/interface became increasingly popular. I joined Xanga and then faded in and out of Myspace, followed by Facebook and currently using Twitter. The Facebook account is still around and logged into pretty often, although it seems to have lost its intrigue as of late. I would say my current addiction is Twitter, although I am far from being good at it or getting all of the lingo/rules/etc. But it's fun nonetheless. When I'm sitting in my shoulder-height cubicle at work, I can set my iPhone right on my desktop in front of me, scroll through my Twitterific app and enjoy a chuckle or two, without any coworker being any wiser.

But here's the thing. Back in the day before computers, or even before all of this social media, I knew a lot less of the outside world. There was always the news on tv to learn about the world around me, but beyond that 1 story of a person in trouble or victims of the fire in the next town over, I was pretty sheltered from all of the grief humankind deals with all of the time.

Now it seems, through random blogs and Twitter, I have learned about so much despair in the world. Most of the blogs I originally sought out had to do with children, mommies, how to raise your family, etc. Originally, I had 5-10 sites I read daily. But all it takes is 1 person referencing one of their friend's blogs, who then brings up their friend, and that friend knows of someone else worth mentioning, etc. Before you know it, you are linked to so many more people than you ever thought you could be.

In my 34 years of life, I have personally known 3 people who have miscarried and 1 person who had a stillborn son at 8 months of pregnancy. Other personal sadness has included losing 1 grandpa, 1 grandma, a close friend who was shot and killed in his early 20s, and a few other minor accidents. Each one of those people holds a special place in my heart. But I am quickly learning that so many people in this world have dealt with so much grief in their lives, and I have learned this all through the connection online.

Sooo many husbands and wives have lost children; during pregnancy, immediately following pregnancy, shortly into toddler years. From birth complications, from heart problems, from cancer, from being born prematurely, from things I cannot pronounce let alone understand. So many husbands and wives have lost their spouses, left to raise their young child all alone. Madly in love and ready to start a family together one minute, left shattered to pick-up the pieces the next minute.

Common sense tells every one of us that these situations go on every day, to people in all countries, poor or rich. But it wasn't until the internet that I was able to connect with these people. To read about their life every day. To get an update on how they feel today, on Day 167 without their daughter. To understand the inside of their hearts and emotions.

And to be honest, it makes my heart so heavy. I want to reach out to every one of them, and let them know I care, and I read, and I want it to get better for them. I'm just one of a million out here who feels this way, who reads there site, but it doesn't change their pain. It doesn't help them grieve any better. It makes me appreciate what I have all the more, God does it make me appreciate it more. But sometimes the helplessness I feel in not being able to do anything from out here in internetland, is too much to think about.

Sure, there's a lot of hope on the internet, too. And there is hope in every one of these sad stories I read and stumble across as well, otherwise I wouldn't come back every single day. But I have to say, I never would have thought, at the time blogs started popping up and Twitter gained its popularity, that I would learn this much about humankind and what we all go through. How we fight every day to survive. Maybe this will give all of us an opportunity to help in some way. Any way we can. And maybe it's just reading each other's stories, and getting a better understanding, that will make the most difference.

Ditched for Golf

Rick decided to bail on the family for a round of golf today, so it was up to me to attempt to entertain our 2 rugrats. I had high hopes of fulfilling my coffee quota this morning, and beyond that, I didn't care what we did. A neighbor told us about a nearby park last night when we were hanging out in the driveway, so I thought it would be a perfect place to check-out, just the 3 of us.

First, here was our view. Spectacular.

Our house is down there somewhere. We were the only people at the entire park. There were plenty of trees to set-up our picnic under, and Loudoun picked the best one. We laid out the blanket and started to grub. I have to say, out of the sandwiches and fruit and drinks and snacks I packed, they only wanted fruit snacks and capri-suns. But whatever. That's par for the course. I sure hope they eat more at school than they do with me. Anyway, I tried to grab a few shots of them being themselves and eating tiny morsels of food...

 

But I made the mistake of telling them out loud that I wanted to try a self-timered shot, because of course they both wanted to set-up every shot. That was pretty entertaining.

is that thing on?

After pecking at 2 bites of food, we moved over to the playground, which I have to say is really fun these days because both kids can do it all by themselves, and I can chill and not lift a finger. OK, so I lifted a finger because obviously I took these pictures....geesh.

 

  

we eventually left to go home and attempt naptime, but really that just turned into "kids you must stay in your room for the entire movie while Mommy looks up restaurants she wants Daddy to take her tonight." It's only fair for having a day of golf with the guys.

the HOT, "Are we done yet?" Festival

We headed out to the other side of the valley to visit my mom and spend the afternoon with her at the Tierra Del Sol Harvest Festival. All proceeds went to helping the school, a wonderful place that helps disabled kids and adults.

It rained on Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, but it did not fail to get back up to 100 degrees for the weekend. There were a lot of activities, that were even fairly priced! But damn we were hot. So hot I felt my make-up melting off my face. Avalon needed (but refused) a nap, but overall a good time was had by all.

chalk, witches, horses, magic shows

A great start to a fun weekend!

Horses and hopskotch

Magic Show

parenting...going well these days

• We went out to dinner last night. Kids ate rice with soy sauce and garlic noodles. They cleaned their plates. We felt successful. Any kid who can eat an entire plate of carbs and stay in the 5th percentile for weight is doing alright in my book. I mean, retaining that trait will only benefit them in their 30's and 40's, right?
• A friend's 18 month old kid came to dinner last night, and would not stay seated in his high chair. I am so glad my kids are past that stage and sit at the table.
• I reminded Rick that I will be gone for a week in November for a business conference. He about fainted at the thought of parenting alone for a week. He asked if he could come with me and leave the kids at home. They can stay home alone at ages 5 and 2, right?
• After 3 weekends of avoiding cleaning the kids' bedroom, we finally called a "family meeting" in there and made everyone clean until it was done. I forgot to take a "before" picture (afraid CPS would come after me), and also forgot to take an "after" picture. Now, 1 day later, it is already too late to document the event. I'll just wait until 3 weeks from now and capture the moment all over again.
• Last week Avalon stuffed sopping wet tissue up her nose. We spent hours trying to get it out with tweezers, pretend sneezes, neti-pot, you name it. A day later Rick was successful with closing one nostril, closing her mouth and making her blow out. She thought it was hysterical. The toughest part was not laughing ourselves, so that we wouldn't egg her on to do it again!
• All summer the kids have been sleeping in only underwear (diapers for Avalon). We have finally reached cold weather, especially at night, so I pulled out the footed pajamas on Sunday night for Avalon. I received a call from Rick this morning, asking, "Can Avalon go to school in her pajamas?" Apparently there was a 10 minute meltdown and Rick wanted the easy way out.
• Rick bought Halloween candy already...twizzlers to be exact. After much roughhousing on Sunday afternoon, Avalon barfed up licorice on the bedroom carpet. Nice! Red splotches compliment the room nicely.
• Loudoun can create 18 different guns and lasers and shooters and forcefields out of tinker toys. In 1 hour.
• Avalon loves to carry around her baby. Shhhhh, it's always sleeping. Maybe someday soon Avalon will understand that Mommy and Daddy like to sleep, too.
• Rick doesn't understand the logic behind buying "white" grapefruit juice instead of the old fashioned purple version. Nor do the sippy cup companies understand how to make a truly undrippable sippy cup.
• Loudoun won an award at kinder already. Excellence in Academics. My looks, Dad's brainiac intelligence.

• 
  
  Avalon loves to dance in the car, when Rick spins records, when a song comes on the tv, any chance she gets. She got Rick's looks, but my dancing gene. Thank God.
  
  
  

(picture to come soon, as soon as I stop dancing myself and grab the camera!)

We're looking forward to Fall, Halloween and the many other holidays coming up. Our kids keep up on our toes!

Brotherhood

To date, I have been to 4 AA meetings. 1 candlelight meeting (wasn't the biggest fan of that one) and 3 Fun Bunch meetings, which I have made my regular, Wednesday, weekly meeting.

Every Wednesday, on the drive to my meeting, 1 song comes on in my car. My iPod is set to shuffle in my car. 4 times now, the same song has come on randomly, minutes before I arrive. My sister gave me the CD several years ago, and it instantly went on my iTunes list, to follow me around on all of my portable music carriers....iPhone, Nano, iPod mini (yes I still had one up until about a month ago). I love the song, and even though I have had no idea what they lyrics are or what they mean, I perk up the moment the song comes on. And typically it gets repeated several times once it comes on.

Anyway, this past Wednesday, on random play #4, it began to occur to me that this coincidence might not be so coincidental, and I decided to google the song title to see what it means.

Warariansa. It's one of those words that ultimately does not translate to English, but if someone had to force an English word out of it, it would be Brotherhood.

Not so sure about it being coincidental anymore.

Loudoun's Costume - Don't Forget - Checklist - with pictures

1. Dracula Fangs

2. Cape

3. Gloves

4. Facepaint

5. Halloween candy basket

6. candy grabber

Pros and Cons

Of course, quitting drinking has its pros and cons. Some days I think there are more cons, but I keep plugging along.

PROS

• I can stay up long enough to enjoy primetime television
• I wake up feeling fresh and new, as much as is possible at 5:40am
• I actually complete the tasks I tell myself I want to do. Clean house? Suuuuure.
• Instigating religious conversations with my non-religious husband (I'm not religious either) when he's buzzed
• I save hundreds of calories with all the drinks I no longer guzzle down. Makes room for all of the cookies and ice cream that took its place.
• My husband buys me cases of diet coke

CONS

• I can't come home after a TT (Target Tantrum) and have a cocktail to recover from the episode I just barely made it through
• The outside beer cooler my good friend got me as a housewarming gift will take longer to empty at pool parties (I'm sure I can round up a few friends to help me out)
• Lunch at Benihana no longer includes a bottle of Saki.
• I can't take full advantage of my company and drink all their open bar alcohol at the Christmas party
• Football Sunday no longer includes beer
• The blender can no longer make me nice, blended margaritas. I guess it's only good for healthy, nutritional smoothies now. Blech.
• I can no longer play quarters or asshole. Oh wait, I stopped that when I was 21 living in Lake Tahoe, working at Squaw Valley.

Haircuts

I made an appointment to get my haircut today (FINALLY!), but upon hearing about it, Loudoun wanted one, too. Rick chimed in and admitted he needed one as well, and who can leave cute, petunia Avalon out of the mix? So we all got haircuts today, at three different salons and three different times throughout the day. We may not have cleaned our house, but we did get new looks!

Twins

I went to my new Wednesday AA meeting last night; this was the second time. I was excited to go, and much less nervous than the first time, seeing as I knew what to expect. The meeting leader went through all of the typical rituals of an AA meeting, and I sat listening to all of the information he talked about. After completing his very inspiring story (the leader usually kicks off the "discussion/participation" part of the meeting with his/her own speech) he called on the first person to share. In this Wednesday meeting, nobody raises their hand. If you're called on by the person finishing, it is now your turn to talk. So, a few people shared what they wanted to talk about, and upon finishing, one lady said, "are there any newcomers here who want to share now?" This wasn't how it normally happened, but I gladly raised my hand, as I'd like to get this overwith, get mingled into the group, and start the process of making the most of this meeting.

So, I started rambling on about why I'm here. My story started with thinking drinking made me a more patient and fun mom, and ended with wanting to be a better parent to my kids. In between, I discussed the blog I read every.single.day and how learning about her story has changed my way of thinking. Here is a mom who lost her 18 month old daughter. She would do anything to get her back. Her heart aches to have her daughter cuddled in her arms again. I HAVE my kids, and they are the most amazing little people on this earth. I cannot take them for granted. I have them by my side, and I need to be here for them. In the present. Learning from them. Teaching them. I am done having kids, and as 2 and a 5 year old kids, they are not ever going to get younger. I need to appreciate this time I have with them, so that I can cherish it forever.

In speaking of all of this, I start to get a little choked up. My voice is trembling a bit. I am not crying, but if I'm not careful I could easily lose it in front of all of these people. That wouldn't be a bad thing, but wasn't really where I wanted to go last night. All of a sudden, the meeting leader starts walking toward me with a kleenex. As he gets near me, I reach out to grab the tissue, but he keeps walking past me! He was giving the tissue to the lady behind me!

Turns out, her story is identical to mine. She is my age, drank every day, and got to the point where she wanted to make a better life for herself, her kids, her husband. Oh, and her kids are 2 and 5. She came up to me after the meeting and introduced herself, hugged me, shared her story, and gave me her phone number. She lives down the street from me, and recommended a few other meetings she thinks are good ones.

During the time we talked after the meeting, several other people came up to us and said we must be twins. They all knew of her story, and her year and a half sobriety, and couldn't believe the similarities in our stories.

Year and a half here I come. If she can do it, so can I. Maybe I'll lean on her to help get me there. Since I know she gets it.