I'm a few days shy of having 5 months sobriety, and to be completely honest, it hasn't been that hard for me. Just 2 days after quitting, I was baffled at how easy it seemed, and wondered why I hadn't done it sooner. Day after day passed, and I couldn't believe that I wasn't craving a drink. In fact, Monday through Friday, I didn't even think about a drink. And on Saturday and Sunday, sometimes the thought was there, sailing in one moment but quickly cruising right back out the next.
In 5 months, there have been less than 5 times total where I've even seriously craved a drink, and the last one was when I finally sat down at the end of Loudoun's birthday party last month, exhausted from an entire day's worth of party set-up and entertaining. And even that craving lasted all of about 7 minutes until I popped open a diet coke can.
Anyway, I am definitely not trying to rub this in for anyone who struggles daily for another drink. Trust me, that is not my intention (maybe this could be hope for some of you thinking about quitting?). I've learned in my AA meetings that we all have our struggle with this addiction. Rather, it brings up MY personal issue with drinking. What I struggle with every day. See, the fact that I do not crave it on a regular basis, for long periods of time, makes me feel like I don't have a problem anymore. Like, if I can go this long without drinking, maybe my addiction went away? Maybe I grew out of it? Maybe I am in a stronger place now where I am not affected by my alcohol anymore, and I would be able to drink like a regular person!
(Oh, to be able to drink like a regular person. To be able to go to a party and have those 2 social glasses of wine. To watch football on Sunday afternoon and only have a beer with friends. To go out for brunch and have a mimosa. Wait....the drinks are adding up again!)
If only it were that easy.
It takes all of about 4 seconds to bring me back to reality.
I picture what I would like to drink to celebrate being normal again, and I always picture 4 glasses of wine. I am instantly reminded that I don't want 1 glass of wine. What the hell good would that do? 2 might be ok, but really 3 would be more fun and 4 would be great if I could gaurantee no hangover the next morning.
That one paragraph of dialogue reminds me I am an alcoholic. Alcohol controls my mind, my mind doesn't control the alcohol. And then I think how lame it would be to lose these 5 months of sobriety just for falling into the "fake normal" trap.
So, off I go for the next 5 months, reminding myself that my new normal is NO drinking. I'm ok with that. I mean, I DID just finish saying it's been pretty easy, right?