I'm a few days shy of having 5 months sobriety, and to be completely honest, it hasn't been that hard for me. Just 2 days after quitting, I was baffled at how easy it seemed, and wondered why I hadn't done it sooner. Day after day passed, and I couldn't believe that I wasn't craving a drink. In fact, Monday through Friday, I didn't even think about a drink. And on Saturday and Sunday, sometimes the thought was there, sailing in one moment but quickly cruising right back out the next.
In 5 months, there have been less than 5 times total where I've even seriously craved a drink, and the last one was when I finally sat down at the end of Loudoun's birthday party last month, exhausted from an entire day's worth of party set-up and entertaining. And even that craving lasted all of about 7 minutes until I popped open a diet coke can.
Anyway, I am definitely not trying to rub this in for anyone who struggles daily for another drink. Trust me, that is not my intention (maybe this could be hope for some of you thinking about quitting?). I've learned in my AA meetings that we all have our struggle with this addiction. Rather, it brings up MY personal issue with drinking. What I struggle with every day. See, the fact that I do not crave it on a regular basis, for long periods of time, makes me feel like I don't have a problem anymore. Like, if I can go this long without drinking, maybe my addiction went away? Maybe I grew out of it? Maybe I am in a stronger place now where I am not affected by my alcohol anymore, and I would be able to drink like a regular person!
(Oh, to be able to drink like a regular person. To be able to go to a party and have those 2 social glasses of wine. To watch football on Sunday afternoon and only have a beer with friends. To go out for brunch and have a mimosa. Wait....the drinks are adding up again!)
If only it were that easy.
It takes all of about 4 seconds to bring me back to reality.
I picture what I would like to drink to celebrate being normal again, and I always picture 4 glasses of wine. I am instantly reminded that I don't want 1 glass of wine. What the hell good would that do? 2 might be ok, but really 3 would be more fun and 4 would be great if I could gaurantee no hangover the next morning.
That one paragraph of dialogue reminds me I am an alcoholic. Alcohol controls my mind, my mind doesn't control the alcohol. And then I think how lame it would be to lose these 5 months of sobriety just for falling into the "fake normal" trap.
So, off I go for the next 5 months, reminding myself that my new normal is NO drinking. I'm ok with that. I mean, I DID just finish saying it's been pretty easy, right?
I gotta tell you, I am so amazed by you and proud of you. I can relate so strongly it's almost scary.
ReplyDeleteTrue story: When I was going over step work with my sponsor, I think it was my first step, we were both talking about the fact that it was never alcohol that brought us to our knees. I understand I can't do heroin or crack or even smoke pot socially (HA! like there's any such thing as a "social" crack smoker), but alcohol was never a real problem for me so why can't I have just one drink? Why can't I have a glass of wine while doing step work... waittaminnit...
Yeah. Alcohol may have never caused the worst of my consequences, it certainly caused enough. And I was never the one who had just one drink.
I'm just so happy you see that this is just your disease talking to you and that there's no going back.
And when in doubt, I'll leave you with this little tidbit one of my counselors used to say. It works for alcohol too, but he always used to say: "If drugs are the answer, what the f*ck was the question?!?"
5 months is incredible :)
ReplyDeleteHonestly, it's been pretty easy (these... 11 days or so...) and I've had the same thoughts... maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe I don't have a problem. But you're so right, I always picture at least four glasses of wine. It's never just one. And then it'd be on my mind constantly. You put it so well!
So glad you commented the other day. Last night I spent a good deal of time going through your archives, wish you lived closer so we could have Diet Coke parties :)
I swear I think it's harder for me on the days when I don't crave. On those days the thoughts of "am I really...." "maybe I could..." start to creep in. It's easier for me when it's plain old no way, no how, no!
ReplyDeleteTOTALLY get the 'what good would ONE glass of wine be' mentality. 4+ indeed. I can't imagine just one either, even at almost 11 mths, when I think I 'might' be fine, really, I remember how crazy I think it is that there would be wine LEFT OVER in a bottle at the end of an evening. :) Thanks for the reminder. And keep at it!
ReplyDeleteI so get the 'maybe i've outgrown it!' I took a diagnostic test at a substance abuse counselor's office when I'd been sober almost 3 months. I am so glad I took that test and still have the paper. Cause I am the queen of justification....
ReplyDeleteProps to you!!