We could not wait for Baby #2. We knew the exact timing of when we wanted to have our second kid, and when that time rolled around, we got to trying at the appropriate times of the month in hopes of being successful.
I remember when we were trying to get pregnant with Avalon, I was just praying for that time to come soon, as an excuse to STOP drinking. For not only would it ensure I had 10 months under my belt of no alcohol, it also might give me a chance to become a normal drinker once Avalon arrived.
Of course that didn't happen. Oh sure, there was the initial breastfeeding period where no alcohol was consumed. And as she needed my milk less and farther apart throughout the day, a beer or glass of wine would sneak its way into the breastfeeding gaps of the day. That in and of itself is not a huge deal...I have plenty of friends who pumped an extra bottle just so they could drink that night with their friends or husband.
But what happened after breastfeeding was over was not normal, and that's when the guilt came back. If you looked in our window any night to spy on us, you wouldn't think I had a problem. If you looked in our window every night, you would see why I felt guilty. I just could not stop.
I read through PostSecret this morning, just like I do almost every Sunday, and it hit me. In the months of trying to get pregnant with Avalon the secret I always thought about sending in related to wanting to get pregnant in order to stop drinking. And here I am, on the other side of my problem, dealing with it head on. I am past the point of needing a pregnancy to address it. I am doing it the right way. God. Meetings. Support. Reading. Friends. Family.
And Avalon (and Loudoun) is HERE, enjoying a sober mom.
Oh, I can relate to this. Beautifully said. I wouldn't drink during my pregnancies, and I used this as an excuse to check the "nope, I don't have a problem' box. As soon as their nursing scheduled slowed down, just as you describe, things came back RIGHT to where they were before. And then got worse.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your honesty.
-Ellie
That was almost exactly my life Robin. Waiting to get pregnant to stop the want to drink. And then after Paige came it just got worse... so much guilt... so many nights I couldn't care for her, and now her nighttime bond is with my husband. Generally, I don't mind. Except for the nights he's not home and I have to get her when she wakes up. And I'm almost a stranger to her in the darkness. (I'm trying to write a post about this, but can't make it there yet...)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Robin, your honesty always touches me, and inspires. YOU are incredible :)
Robin, thanks for reading my Sam's story. I myself have never struggled with alcohol, but I have seen first hand what it can do. You are on the right path, and I pray that you can get to the other side of the problem!
ReplyDeleteIt is awesome that you can share this with us! Best wishes!
Wow, I just found this blog and I am looking forward to getting to read my way around.....
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