P A T I E N C E: Where can I buy some?

When you become a regular at AA meetings, you find that some weeks are fun and non-chalant and they float right by. And other weeks are filled with memorable quotes and deep issues and subject matter that you take home with you to ponder over. Some weeks you need the fluff. Other weeks you need the heaviness. And sometimes you go into the meeting not knowing what your mind needs that night. And that's ok, because everyone else will make the decision for you. This is especially true in a tag discussion group.

So last night I thought I was in the "non-chalant" mode, texting during the break instead of socializing with people at the meeting, gazing around the room as the chapters were read instead of really letting everything sink in, just floating through time until the last 45 minutes of tag discussion. I mean, that's why we all really go anyway, right? I assume so, since everyone sighs deeply when the buzzer rings at the end of the night.

Anyway, I was kind of spacing as we started the tag discussion, and the very first girl the meeting leader called on, a spunky, Meg Ryan-looking, adorable girl, grasped my attention with her opening line, saying that she has realized lately she needs to work on her biggest negative trait: impatience. She talked about how she's a high school teacher and her students just test her patience all day long and she doesn't feel like she handles it very well. And that she has been praying to God every morning to help her accept her trait for what it is and work through it daily.

And it stopped me in my tracks. I could relate.

I beat myself up ALL the time when I don't feel I am being patient. I could in fact be patient all day long...at work, in traffic, with my husband, with my kids. But if I raise my voice one time or repetitively tell my kids to do something because they are not listening, I come down too hard on myself and beat myself up over it, totally erasing the rest of the good day.

I thought when I quit drinking that the guilt of parenting correctly vs. incorrectly would go away. And it did for awhile, and to a huge degree. But the underlying issue is still there for me. I am too hard on myself.

Looking back at my life, I think I have this view of myself as always being a patient person. Floating through life until I got to this parenting thing, and then I took on the role of mom to youngsters, and I instanly lost my ability to go with the flow. In reality...I was drinking from age 21 to 34, the bulk of my adult life so far, and how could I not be laid back...I was drinking! And I was partying! And I had no cares in the world except making enough money to pay rent and fun with boys and dancing!

EARTH to Robin. KIDS make you grow up. And patience is something you have to work at.

Not all people. Some people have it naturally.

But I am learning it is something I have to work at. And listening to Meg Ryan chick made me realize: Stop beating yourself up over it, accept it, pray for assistance with it, and give it your best go at it. There are plenty of teachers, nurses, parents to toddlers, etc. out there who don't have patience as their best virtue. {raises hand}

You know what it really boils down to? I glance around and see all of the parents out there who are REALLY patient, I compare myself to them, and when I don't feel I equal their level, I tear myself apart. But...I don't see those parents 24 hours a day to know how they handle every aspect of their day, and I shouldn't be comparing myself to them anyways. My kids love me, I am the best mom for them, and we have the best family I can possibly ask for.

And I am going to continue to pray every night for help with my patience, and not feel quilty because that is what I need help asking for. Could be worse, right?