Thursday, April 29, 2010
Big learning moment.
So last night at my meeting, I was talking to the same friend at the break, and he asked if I had decided to do the step work yet. I told him that while I do indeed plan to start it up one day, I haven't yet. But that I remember what he told me about the importance of sharing the steps with others, and it was my goal to eventually get there.
He stopped me.
He said, the steps are about you first. You have to work on you first, and then you can focus on helping others.
OK true, I get that.
What he said next has had me thinking nonstop for the past 12 hours.
He said, "You sure are a strong one, huh? Drinking sure didn't get you down or put you in a bad place and here you are, able to resist drinking without much effort. Strong, strong lady." And there was a seriousness to his voice that told me he wasn't entirely just stating the facts. It was as if he wanted me to read into it more.
And I did.
Sure, I don't crave alcohol on a daily basis. But 8 months of not drinking and not really wanting to drink does not mean I have faced or dealt with what made me drink in the first place. Sure, I am more in the moment with my family and feeling more feelings as they happen. But it still doesn't change the fact that I chose excessive drinking in the beginning. It still doesn't apologize for anyone I've hurt in the past because of my drinking. And it still doesn't assist with how to handle hard times or get through rough patches. I need to dive in and change things from within...from my heart.
Insert parallel thinking cap.
Differently but yet still similarly (is that possible ?), when I found Jesus (of course really, He found me) and my Salvation last winter, I soaked up every ounce of wisdom and knowledge about Christianity that I could....I still am. I've been told how amazingly fast I've grown as a Christian. I have been so excited about what I am learning, that I can't quit or even slow down. And that's good. But I definitely feel I could absorb more of it. Let more of it sink into my heart, not just my mind. It's one thing to learn it all. It's another to practice it. Live it. Be governed by it.
And quite frankly, this facade of I am strong, I am smart, I can do this, I have this all figured out isn't helping me get anywhere. It's helping me maintain. Not move forward.
I need to search within, and really get in tune with my heart and emotions. It's not a one-time opportunity, it's a lifetime journey. One that I am excited and anxious about all at the same time. But at least I have 2 great tools on my side to guide me through.
at 2:29 PM