Just shoot me now

Last Monday Loudoun's school called me early to come pick him up. He was complaining of his throat and ears hurting him. Tuesday Rick stayed home with him. Wednesday I stayed home with him, and at that point only his ears were hurting him. So I took him to the doctor, and it turned out he had 2 ear infections. Antibiotics.

On Thursday, Rick stayed home with him, and he was complaining of his throat hurting him....really badly. So, he took him back to the doctor, and this time they tested him. For strep. Positive. More antibiotics. And a note to stay home 1 more day. I sent in the email to work right away that I would need to stay home with him on Friday.

Here's the bizarro part.

On Thursday night, around 11pm, I crawled into bed. I swallowed. I felt a little tingle in my throat. I swallowed again. It felt a tiny bit sore. I swallowed again. A little more sore. It was very puzzling and a bit like a science experiment. So, I kept swallowing and assesing the situation. With each swallow it was more and more of a sore throat, until 20 minutes later it felt like there was a golf ball on the left side of my glands. I knew what was happening. I was getting strep.

Friday morning, I sat by the phone until 8:30am so that I could make an appointment. I grabbed Loudoun, got in right away, tested for strep, passed, and walked out with my penicillin prescription. Loudoun asked if he coould get a toy from the drug store. He had gotten one 2 times in the past 2 days while getting his medicine. The kid scored through all of this.

Yesterday was miserable. But today I am feeling almost 100%, and by tomorrow I should be plenty fine to return to work. I am soooo glad I nipped this in time. I am running out of PTO days! And it's only February!

I am ready for flu/cold/infection season to be over. Are you?

Sippy cups a-go-go

This week: COLLECTIONS

In our house, we collect SIPPY CUPS!

This is only half of our collection.

The other half is either in our dishwasher,

under the couch,

under the kids' beds or

in my husband's car.

What do you collect?

We went sledding so long ago, it's almost time to go again!

Out of town.

2 weeks ago.

Drove 3 hours north.

Stayed with great friends.

We have 2 kids. They have 2 kids.

It was a busy house.

Chaotic.

A fun chaos.

Lots of caprisuns. And even more mac n cheese.

Snow called to us on Sunday.

Little mittens were stretched over tiny hands.

Boots were strapped on.

And jackets zipped up.

HERE WE GO!

  

Look, there's my reflection! The only proof I was even on the trip.

Mom, it's so bright!

The trip wouldn't be complete

without Daddy taking a funny spill.

Headed back to the house.

Partied with our friends.

The kids were hysterical (missing 1, who was grumpy at the moment).

 

 

I would have posted these sooner.

But I left my camera battery plugged into it's charger.

In their electrical outlet.

It arrived in my mailbox today.

Oh how I've missed using my camera for 2 weeks.

We have a point and shoot.

But it sucks. And we only use it for video now.

And I got a cute video in the past 2 weeks,

But Avalon wasn't wearing a shirt,

so I couldn't share it.

Just know that she heard my heartbeat,

sat up and said, heart! and followed it with shoosh shoosh.

That's how hearts go!

The best, most euphoric feeling EVAH!

Some might argue that SEX is the best feeling ever. Others might think jumping out of a plane, or driving fast in a car, getting high or drunk, being in love, etc. top the list. I'm sure there are plenty more that could be added.

BUT.

I've decided, that the BEST feeling in the WORLD is that 9 minutes between when the alarm goes off and when you actually get out of bed. OK, so 18 minutes. If I'm lucky. But really, sleep is the BEST EVAH, and since while you are sleeping you can't know you are enjoying it, that time frame of starting to wake up, but still knowing you are sleeping, that is my favorite of all time. A close second is being woken up in the middle of a nap and getting to fall back asleep again. But this one is risky, because if you don't fall back asleep, then you are screwed.

I'm assuming its greatness is magnified by 1) having to get out of bed is one of the worst feelings, especially when it is cold and dark and 2) I have two youngsters WHO DO NOT LET ME SLEEP.

I know this will change someday, and I will have have to beg them to get out of bed. But who am I kidding, I will be sleeping in with them, so we will all be rushing to get out of the door together.

Ahhhhhh, sleep.

Whirled Peace

Have you tried this yet?

TO.

DIE.

FOR.

In other news, I bought Loudoun a kids' Bible yesterday
and offered to make him a bookmark.
We did it together today while staying home sick from school.
He picked out all of the pictures.

My kid picked skulls. For his Bible. HA!

In other news, I'm off to my meeting
and looking forward to an hour and a half
of "alone-ME-time" with 50 stranger friends.
Ahhhh, I love Wednesdays.

Stickers = SLEEP

Avalon has been creeping into our bed earlier and earlier each night. Don't get me wrong, I love snuggling. If I had my choice I'd cuddle with her until she went to college. But this girl is a CRAZY sleeper. She sleeps in between Rick and I, in an H formation. Kicking him, slapping me. If we try and move her, she grunts and cries. IN HER SLEEP. She doesn't even wake up.

We've gotten to the point where our goal each night at bedtime is to try and reinforce the "stay in your big girl bed all night long" concept. She gladly agrees at 7:30pm. She forgets her end of the bargain at 2am.

Three night ago Rick ended up sleeping on the couch all night. Two nights ago I ventured out there. Last night we decided as much as we love the possibility of snuggling with our daughter, she is disrupting our valuable sleep. We feel like zombies throughout the day.

So, last night at bedtime I posted a sticker board in their bedroom. Sticker boards have worked well in the past for us. Potty training Loudoun, chores, etc, so it was worth a shot this time. I promised her if she slept in her room allllll night long, she would get 1 sticker on her board. Once she got 5 stickers, we would go to the store to get a toy. I don't think she is quite ready to understand THAT much, but she definitely got the sticker part. Instead of just one on the board, she wanted another on her hand. Right here, she pointed over and over. Fine.

Just one problem. We didn't have any stickers in the house.

So, during my jogging outing last night, I stopped at the grocery store. NO STICKERS. They had NONE. I tried the Easter section, stationary, toys, magazines, flower section...NONE. But they did have the bright orange Ralphs stickers they put on large purchases at checkout, like paper towels or cat litter.

Better than nothing.

So, I came home and decorated. Those ugly bright orange stickers received markers, fluffy pom pom balls and glitter.

And she slept in her bed all night. So, it's a good thing I put forth the effort. Otherwise, I would have been in BIG trouble.

Secrets

We could not wait for Baby #2. We knew the exact timing of when we wanted to have our second kid, and when that time rolled around, we got to trying at the appropriate times of the month in hopes of being successful.

I remember when we were trying to get pregnant with Avalon, I was just praying for that time to come soon, as an excuse to STOP drinking. For not only would it ensure I had 10 months under my belt of no alcohol, it also might give me a chance to become a normal drinker once Avalon arrived.

Of course that didn't happen. Oh sure, there was the initial breastfeeding period where no alcohol was consumed. And as she needed my milk less and farther apart throughout the day, a beer or glass of wine would sneak its way into the breastfeeding gaps of the day. That in and of itself is not a huge deal...I have plenty of friends who pumped an extra bottle just so they could drink that night with their friends or husband.

But what happened after breastfeeding was over was not normal, and that's when the guilt came back. If you looked in our window any night to spy on us, you wouldn't think I had a problem. If you looked in our window every night, you would see why I felt guilty. I just could not stop.

I read through PostSecret this morning, just like I do almost every Sunday, and it hit me. In the months of trying to get pregnant with Avalon the secret I always thought about sending in related to wanting to get pregnant in order to stop drinking. And here I am, on the other side of my problem, dealing with it head on. I am past the point of needing a pregnancy to address it. I am doing it the right way. God. Meetings. Support. Reading. Friends. Family.

And Avalon (and Loudoun) is HERE, enjoying a sober mom.

Where ONE joins the OTHER in misery

Pictures taken at 10:30am, Saturday morning

Result of being awake from 2am to 6am, throwing up

On his way to being just as GERMY as his sister.

It's a good thing we stayed home. These kiddos need some EXTRA love this weekend. 4am was hard last night, but this part is easy. I'm parked right on the couch with my kiddos.

Hollywood, here we DON'T come

A few weeks before Valentine's Day, Rick casually mentioned that he has never stayed in Hollywood like I did for my bachelorette party (Roosevelt Hotel). So, when trying to think of a good V Day present for him, I used my good wife listening skills and booked us a room in a hip hotel right in the middle of fun, bustling Hollywood. Sure, we live 1/2 an hour away, but when you remove the kids to a grandparent's house and throw in steak dinners, sleeping in, buffet breakfasts and cozy bathrobes, you've got a romantic Valentine's Day weekend no matter where it is. Since we were in Fresno visiting friends last weekend during the actual chocolate and roses holiday, I booked the room for this weekend and made a cute card for Rick last weekend, explaining our plans.

Just as I was googling restaurants near the hotel during my last 1/2 hour at work this afternoon, I got the call.

From preschool.

Hi, your poor daughter is burning up. She's been asking for "huggsies" all day, doesn't want to be put down, and she has a fever.

I closed Google and drove to get her.

So, I will be at home with a warm, lethargic baby all weekend, snuggling on the couch, watching Caillou over and over, listening to the rain on the roof, and refilling sippy cups full of appie juice.

I'm ok with that. The hotel will still be there in a weekend or 2. And so will our excitement. And so will Grandma.

shoelaces

Back in July when we signed Loudoun up for Kinder, they gave us a sheet of items he should be able to do before starting class in September. He knew how to do everything on the list except for tie his shoelaces. At the time he had slip-on Vans, so we just figured, "eh, he'll learn when he learns, no biggie."

So, yesterday after we returned from our Fresno trip (which was fabulous!), I realized both kids' tennis shoes were pretty dirty from playing in a muddy backyard all weekend, and they were getting a little on the snug side anyway, so I took them both shoe shopping. Rick got a nap. Lucky bum.

We ventured out to Target, hit up the shoe section, and tackled one shoe aisle per kid, until we found great shoes that each one liked. It really didn't take that long actually. The longest part was Avalon trying on every HUGE pair of sandals, but at least she recognized they were all too big and was happy to accept the tennis shoes I found for her in her size.

Loudoun's picking was pretty easy, too. He quickly passed by the action figure tennis shoes (THANK GAWD) citing they were too childish. I pointed out the cute black and white skate shoes, relating them to the pair daddy has, and he was sold. He jumped to the floor, tried them on, and affirmed that these were without a doubt the pair he wanted. A Target trip, in 15 minutes, with 2 kids, I couldn't believe it.

He spent the entire ride home saying how much he loved them, and asking if I thought Daddy would like them, too. When we got home, Daddy took on the task of putting in the laces "just right" and asked Loduoun 1) if he wanted the red ones or black ones, 2) did he want them crossed or straight across and 3) did he want them to tuck inside or did he want to tie them.....WHY TIE THEM OF COURSE!

How will I do that?
Is it hard?
How long will it take to learn?
Can you teach me?

Oh the excitement was echoing through our entire house. So Rick sat down and taught him right before bedtime, and he took the pair to bed with him so he could practice. He called me into his room after bedtime to show him one final time to make sure he was practicing right. He fell asleep with the shoes right next to his pillow.

This morning I called Rick to see how my family was doing getting ready for school. His report: Your son got out of bed the second his alarm went off at 7:00am (never happens) and was dressed with shoes on (and tied) at 7:03.

His innocence and excitement are pure joy to watch. This is why we have kids. These moments. He's my Bubba. The best Bubba ever.

thinking out loud

"If I had the cure for cancer, and I saw you needed my help, how could I not share it? I want you to have the same Gift I have. I don't want to control you and force it on you. I want you to experience the free gift just like I did. To feel the love from Him that I feel. I want our kids to know it. I don't want to teach them the opposite of what you believe. I want you all to get the same Gift that was given to me.

I can't make you choose it. I didn't even choose it. It was given to me, by someone who has the power to give it. It was supernatural. And it happened in a single moment. How else could I go from wondering how many billions of years old the planet is, to without a doubt believing it was created in 6 days? My mind cannot wrap itself around the hugeness that is the creation of the world. I cannot comprehend how He was able to do it all, so perfectly. But here we are. Because of Him. And we have been saved a spot there. By believing He died for us.

The joy I feel from knowing Him. The peace I feel within from being intimate with Him. The strength I feel from His arms wrapped around me. I want that for you. Forever. And my kids. Forever.

So, please don't think I am trying to keep you under my thumb. I am not really all that different besides wanting to be less sinful and wanting to live a life of purpose for Him. I'm still the same girl you fell in love with. I want the best for you. Eternally."

Friends

This weekend we are going to Fresno to visit friends of ours who are very special to us. They have an almost 4 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. I have known the parents for over 10 years, and Rick has known them for almost 20. I have lived in the same town as them and also lived far away from them, and they are one of those families that we make a point to see several times throughout the year to keep up the friendships. And watch our kids get bigger. And remember all of the good times that seem so long ago now that we are older.

The last time we saw this family was Labor Day weekend. They came out to our new house for the first time and we spent 3 wonderful days swimming in the pool, hanging out, eating great meals, playing games with the kids, and drinking. DRINKING.

I had hit my bottom the Thursday night before the start of the Labor Day weekend. It was at that point I knew I wanted to quit for good. But knowing they were coming in to town, I allowed myself one more weekend of partying with our friends. I started my sobriety that Tuesday, 9/8/09.

I am REALLY looking forward to driving to their neck of the woods tomorrow morning, and NOT having a drink. Going all weekend hanging out, talking, catching up, playing with their kids, eating great meals, WITHOUT THE ALCOHOL.

I think this is a huge step and a key factor in my recovery, because I am not anxious about getting through the evenings at their house without drinking being part of the partying (for me, while everyone else still drinks). I am actually excited to spend time with the 4 of them SOBER!

I hope everyone has a nice weekend - Happy Valentine's Day, Happy President's Day and happy time with family and friends!

Free

It dawned on me this morning that one HUGE change in my life lately has been I don't second guess my parenting anymore. I used to STRESS daily about -
...did I just yell too loudly at my kid?
...Did what I just said come out too mean?
...Was I being too strict over that decision?
...Will he be scarred for life because I told him no?
...Should I have been more lenient about that rule but stricter about that rule?

Looking back, it was the alcohol that did that. It did that to me about a lot of things...
...Did I handle that task at work like I should have?
...Am I a good enough friend to that person?
...Does Rick still love me the way he used to?
...I'm a bad person for drinking yet again last night.

...Why couldn't I stop at 2 drinks like I planned on doing?


OVER and OVER and OVER again. And again.

I mean seriously, alcohol dominated my internal dialogue to the poing of self destruction. The guilt and worry that surrounded me everyday was overwhelming to say the least. Like, it wasn't hard enough to be a good parent and a good employee and and a good wife and a good friend but then I added to it the stress of not being able to control my drinking. WHY couldn't I just stop drinking like a crazy lady?

So, this morning I realized that yes, I have yelled at my kids in the past 5 months. And yes, there have been a handful of times that "I snapped and blurted something out to my kids that I instantly regretted." But you know what? I talked about it right away with my kids, apologized, and openly communicated my frustration and why I think it happened. And they were understanding. And they saw their mom snap for a second but keep the line of communication open and work on the situation. And I didn't go to bed that night crying and freaking out that I harmed my kids. Because I realize and they realized that I am human, they are human, we're family and we love each other unconditionally.

There's so much worse in life than a mom yelling, "No, I already told you 7 times that you cannot ride your bike in the rain after you just got over the flu!" They'll be fine. I'm doing the best I can. And I am not riddled with guilt anymore.

This is making me very happy tonight

It doesn't take much.

I'm normal! Let's celebrate with a glass of wine!

I'm a few days shy of having 5 months sobriety, and to be completely honest, it hasn't been that hard for me. Just 2 days after quitting, I was baffled at how easy it seemed, and wondered why I hadn't done it sooner. Day after day passed, and I couldn't believe that I wasn't craving a drink. In fact, Monday through Friday, I didn't even think about a drink. And on Saturday and Sunday, sometimes the thought was there, sailing in one moment but quickly cruising right back out the next.

In 5 months, there have been less than 5 times total where I've even seriously craved a drink, and the last one was when I finally sat down at the end of Loudoun's birthday party last month, exhausted from an entire day's worth of party set-up and entertaining. And even that craving lasted all of about 7 minutes until I popped open a diet coke can.

Anyway, I am definitely not trying to rub this in for anyone who struggles daily for another drink. Trust me, that is not my intention (maybe this could be hope for some of you thinking about quitting?). I've learned in my AA meetings that we all have our struggle with this addiction. Rather, it brings up MY personal issue with drinking. What I struggle with every day. See, the fact that I do not crave it on a regular basis, for long periods of time, makes me feel like I don't have a problem anymore. Like, if I can go this long without drinking, maybe my addiction went away? Maybe I grew out of it? Maybe I am in a stronger place now where I am not affected by my alcohol anymore, and I would be able to drink like a regular person!

(Oh, to be able to drink like a regular person. To be able to go to a party and have those 2 social glasses of wine. To watch football on Sunday afternoon and only have a beer with friends. To go out for brunch and have a mimosa. Wait....the drinks are adding up again!)

If only it were that easy.

It takes all of about 4 seconds to bring me back to reality.

I picture what I would like to drink to celebrate being normal again, and I always picture 4 glasses of wine. I am instantly reminded that I don't want 1 glass of wine. What the hell good would that do? 2 might be ok, but really 3 would be more fun and 4 would be great if I could gaurantee no hangover the next morning.

That one paragraph of dialogue reminds me I am an alcoholic. Alcohol controls my mind, my mind doesn't control the alcohol. And then I think how lame it would be to lose these 5 months of sobriety just for falling into the "fake normal" trap.

So, off I go for the next 5 months, reminding myself that my new normal is NO drinking. I'm ok with that. I mean, I DID just finish saying it's been pretty easy, right?