Parallels

Several weeks ago a friend at my Wednesday AA meeting asked me if I am doing the 12 steps and if I have a sponsor. My response was No, I am not, since I don't really crave drinking that much on the day-to-day basis, and coming to 1 meeting a week seems to tide me over and make me happy. He suggested that working the steps is beneficial not only to the person doing the steps, but then that person can help teach newcomers the steps down the road. I went home and thought about it, and compared it to Christianity. What good is being a believer in Jesus if you don't share it with someone else? Sure, you can go through life reaping the benefits of communing with God and enjoying the fact that you have been granted Salvation, but how much BETTER would it be if you shared that gift with others?

Big learning moment.

So last night at my meeting, I was talking to the same friend at the break, and he asked if I had decided to do the step work yet. I told him that while I do indeed plan to start it up one day, I haven't yet. But that I remember what he told me about the importance of sharing the steps with others, and it was my goal to eventually get there.

He stopped me.

He said, the steps are about you first. You have to work on you first, and then you can focus on helping others.

OK true, I get that.

What he said next has had me thinking nonstop for the past 12 hours.

He said, "You sure are a strong one, huh? Drinking sure didn't get you down or put you in a bad place and here you are, able to resist drinking without much effort. Strong, strong lady." And there was a seriousness to his voice that told me he wasn't entirely just stating the facts. It was as if he wanted me to read into it more.

And I did.

Sure, I don't crave alcohol on a daily basis. But 8 months of not drinking and not really wanting to drink does not mean I have faced or dealt with what made me drink in the first place. Sure, I am more in the moment with my family and feeling more feelings as they happen. But it still doesn't change the fact that I chose excessive drinking in the beginning. It still doesn't apologize for anyone I've hurt in the past because of my drinking. And it still doesn't assist with how to handle hard times or get through rough patches. I need to dive in and change things from within...from my heart.

Insert parallel thinking cap.


Differently but yet still similarly (is that possible ?), when I found Jesus (of course really, He found me) and my Salvation last winter, I soaked up every ounce of wisdom and knowledge about Christianity that I could....I still am. I've been told how amazingly fast I've grown as a Christian. I have been so excited about what I am learning, that I can't quit or even slow down. And that's good. But I definitely feel I could absorb more of it. Let more of it sink into my heart, not just my mind. It's one thing to learn it all. It's another to practice it. Live it. Be governed by it.

And quite frankly, this facade of I am strong, I am smart, I can do this, I have this all figured out isn't helping me get anywhere. It's helping me maintain. Not move forward.

I need to search within, and really get in tune with my heart and emotions. It's not a one-time opportunity, it's a lifetime journey. One that I am excited and anxious about all at the same time. But at least I have 2 great tools on my side to guide me through.

What Does Your Purse Say About You?

(click to enlarge)

Happiness is....

Dance Recitals

Friends announcing engagements, pregnancies, hunting for houses, and moving into houses

A husband who makes you laugh

Kid birthday parties making rolling robots

Finding new roses hidden in your backyard

Getting through day 24 of Shred with energy left over at the end

Learning about yourself through the comments of others

Daddies who paint their little girl's fingernails

Sending your mom a homemade birthday card

Thinking of the smile she will get from the sweet sentiment

Taking walks with friends

Spotting the season's first bougainvillea flower

Having lunch with your aunt who you haven't seen in over 4 years

Leftover Easter candy

Lunch dates with your husband

Figuring out that true joy comes from Him, not circumstance. And feeling that joy from within.

Kids asking to go to bed 2 hours early because they are excited about their field trip in the morning

Listening to your husband wake himself up from his own snoring

Putting special notes in kid lunches

"Birds love cheez-its, Mama!" 40 times in 1 afternoon

Looking forward to a week vacation. With a stack of fresh books to read.

Soft, pink, little girl blankets

Checking on your son past his bedtime, only to find him sneaking a read of his Bible.

The compassion that fills the room of AA meetings

Neighborhood kids riding bikes together

Headbands and tights

A woman with a big heart helping a charity close to my heart. Brilliant.

Friends taking birthday cakes and crying during their speech

Putting the flannel sheets back in the hall closet

Hearing your dad say he is proud of the woman you have become

The weekend...is it here yet?

Before, and.....A little bit later

Avalon asked me to get the halloween costume box out of the hall closet today, and I was AMAZED that at almost 3 years old, she was still able to get into ALL of her previous Halloween costumes! Check her out.

2007

Avalon was 4 months old

Present Day

2008

Avalon was 16 months old

Present Day

2009

Avalon was almost 2 1/2

Present Day

And here's an extra one, just for kicks.

Loudoun's 6 month old pumpkin costume.

Just wait until she holds these costumes up and shows her kids someday.

Who knows, maybe she'll still fit in them.

donuts and toes: A girls' day out

I hadn't planned it, but today turned out to be a girls' day out. Rick has a friend in town and the boys decided to go on a long bike ride. It's quite chilly outside and I had no desire to join them and freeze all day, so I made other plans with Avalon.

First we started out by going to the local donut shop to pick up a dozen donuts for the boys. Of course we stayed for awhile and ate our own sprinkled creations, soaking in all of the child laughter and joy from all of the early risers and their parents. It felt like Disneyland in there, and I remember going to get donuts every Saturday with my Dad and sister, so that my mom could sleep in.

After returning home and hanging out with the boys, sipping coffee and savoring every bite of our new favorite donut shop delights, Avalon and I headed over to our local nail salon. From the moment I mentioned going to the time we arrived at the front door, Avalon was beaming with excitement and couldn't stop talking about it.

The moment we went inside and sat down, she became silent and focused, just taking in every moment of this new adventure she has never experienced before.

When we got home, Loudoun asked why I didn't get a color on my toes. Actually kid, I paid more to have a little white line painted on mine. I guess I acheived the "natural" look.

P A T I E N C E: Where can I buy some?

When you become a regular at AA meetings, you find that some weeks are fun and non-chalant and they float right by. And other weeks are filled with memorable quotes and deep issues and subject matter that you take home with you to ponder over. Some weeks you need the fluff. Other weeks you need the heaviness. And sometimes you go into the meeting not knowing what your mind needs that night. And that's ok, because everyone else will make the decision for you. This is especially true in a tag discussion group.

So last night I thought I was in the "non-chalant" mode, texting during the break instead of socializing with people at the meeting, gazing around the room as the chapters were read instead of really letting everything sink in, just floating through time until the last 45 minutes of tag discussion. I mean, that's why we all really go anyway, right? I assume so, since everyone sighs deeply when the buzzer rings at the end of the night.

Anyway, I was kind of spacing as we started the tag discussion, and the very first girl the meeting leader called on, a spunky, Meg Ryan-looking, adorable girl, grasped my attention with her opening line, saying that she has realized lately she needs to work on her biggest negative trait: impatience. She talked about how she's a high school teacher and her students just test her patience all day long and she doesn't feel like she handles it very well. And that she has been praying to God every morning to help her accept her trait for what it is and work through it daily.

And it stopped me in my tracks. I could relate.

I beat myself up ALL the time when I don't feel I am being patient. I could in fact be patient all day long...at work, in traffic, with my husband, with my kids. But if I raise my voice one time or repetitively tell my kids to do something because they are not listening, I come down too hard on myself and beat myself up over it, totally erasing the rest of the good day.

I thought when I quit drinking that the guilt of parenting correctly vs. incorrectly would go away. And it did for awhile, and to a huge degree. But the underlying issue is still there for me. I am too hard on myself.

Looking back at my life, I think I have this view of myself as always being a patient person. Floating through life until I got to this parenting thing, and then I took on the role of mom to youngsters, and I instanly lost my ability to go with the flow. In reality...I was drinking from age 21 to 34, the bulk of my adult life so far, and how could I not be laid back...I was drinking! And I was partying! And I had no cares in the world except making enough money to pay rent and fun with boys and dancing!

EARTH to Robin. KIDS make you grow up. And patience is something you have to work at.

Not all people. Some people have it naturally.

But I am learning it is something I have to work at. And listening to Meg Ryan chick made me realize: Stop beating yourself up over it, accept it, pray for assistance with it, and give it your best go at it. There are plenty of teachers, nurses, parents to toddlers, etc. out there who don't have patience as their best virtue. {raises hand}

You know what it really boils down to? I glance around and see all of the parents out there who are REALLY patient, I compare myself to them, and when I don't feel I equal their level, I tear myself apart. But...I don't see those parents 24 hours a day to know how they handle every aspect of their day, and I shouldn't be comparing myself to them anyways. My kids love me, I am the best mom for them, and we have the best family I can possibly ask for.

And I am going to continue to pray every night for help with my patience, and not feel quilty because that is what I need help asking for. Could be worse, right?

$3 = hours of entertainment

Sometimes the simplest items make the best bath toys.

Easter GRUMPIES

Today was super crappy.

I don't know if the kids were on sugar overload and choosing not to listen to anything (yes), or if I was extremely irritable and grumpy (YES), or some formula combination of the 2,  but somewhere about 30 minutes after our morning Easter egg hunt, things went downhill with my attitude.

Nothing made me feel better.

I tried working out, thinking punching and kicking would get some aggression out. Avalon came in and took my weights, turned off the TV and started bouncing on the couches. Workout FAIL.

I tried taking a breather in my bedroom to get some quiet time. Both kids followed me. Disappearing act FAIL.

I tried making lunch for everyone, thinking food would make me feel better. Nobody could decide on what they wanted and nobody ate their food. Lunch FAIL.

I tried going outside with the kids thinking the sunshine would make me feel better. It was cold and dreary and the kids argued over sharing a parachute man they got in their Easter basket. Even though they each got 2 parachute men. They fought over one man. Because his parachute was green. Sunshine FAIL.

In between Avalon's talking back and annoying sassiness, her cuteness wasn't even making it better. And Loudoun selectively hearing 1/2 of the sentences I said, HUH? about put me over the edge. Not PMSing, not overly tired, just having one of those days.

Thank goodness for my husband.

He packed us all in the car and took us for a drive. We never got out of the car, we just drove through the canyon. And even though the kids yelled and giggled and told annoying jokes, it was finally a time I could zone out and ignore them. Funny since they were within 2 feet of me. But then Avalon fell asleep, and Loudoun got involved in a video game on my phone, and I had quiet time. And I thanked Rick.

And then he was brilliant and brought us home to create our Easter garden. He took charge and divied up tasks for the kids to do, and I sat back with the camera and watched him parent alone for awhile. Well, it didn't last long because of course they were having too much fun and I wanted to join them, and my bad mood disappeared.

I love my family, they are the greatest, and life wouldn't be the same without them. But I needed to vent. I hope you don't mind, internet.

Maybe Rick's nice HAM dinner will be the final thing to turn this mood around...Rick has me on a roll with  the canyon drive and gardening. Mmmm, glazed ham. Should do the trick.