::insert random pouring out of emotions and thoughts::
I feel apart from God. It is so hard for me to write that, but it's true. I know it in my heart, and it's troubling me.
I haven't been in the Word lately. I haven't been much in prayer lately. And I feel it. I have been on fire for the Lord since becoming a believer less than 2 years ago, and I guess you could say this is the first withdrawal I've felt. I feel guilty for not picking up the Bible more. So then I do. Then I feel guilty for not having prayed more...when was the last time I did anyway? so then I do. And I don't jump into my normal prayer thoughts...I switch to, please bring me back to You. Please strengthen the fire again. I've even momentarily feared my salvation wasn't ever real. Scary, huh?
When I first became a believer, I heard a sermon about straying from God, and I thought, How could one ever do that? I was so on fire, it didn't seem like that would ever be possible.
Maybe I am putting idols before God...although I cannot picture exactly which ones. Maybe I'm putting my own will before that of my Lord. I'm sure that is the case. Although I don't know why.
I just want to be close to Him again. I know He will take me back with open arms every time I stray, how truly lucky are we for that? I know I need to turn everything over to Him to fully come back to Him. Maybe that's where I'm having trouble? I keep wondering if this is a phase that will pass, or if I have to proactively make changes that will redirect the relationship. I think I know the answer to that, it's just feeling more difficult that I thought it would be. I have a feeling He's using this heavy heart of mine to bring me back to Him.
Anyone have any insight? Gone through this before and have words of wisdom? I'd really appreciate to hear from you.