::insert random pouring out of emotions and thoughts::
I feel apart from God. It is so hard for me to write that, but it's true. I know it in my heart, and it's troubling me.
I haven't been in the Word lately. I haven't been much in prayer lately. And I feel it. I have been on fire for the Lord since becoming a believer less than 2 years ago, and I guess you could say this is the first withdrawal I've felt. I feel guilty for not picking up the Bible more. So then I do. Then I feel guilty for not having prayed more...when was the last time I did anyway? so then I do. And I don't jump into my normal prayer thoughts...I switch to, please bring me back to You. Please strengthen the fire again. I've even momentarily feared my salvation wasn't ever real. Scary, huh?
When I first became a believer, I heard a sermon about straying from God, and I thought, How could one ever do that? I was so on fire, it didn't seem like that would ever be possible.
Maybe I am putting idols before God...although I cannot picture exactly which ones. Maybe I'm putting my own will before that of my Lord. I'm sure that is the case. Although I don't know why.
I just want to be close to Him again. I know He will take me back with open arms every time I stray, how truly lucky are we for that? I know I need to turn everything over to Him to fully come back to Him. Maybe that's where I'm having trouble? I keep wondering if this is a phase that will pass, or if I have to proactively make changes that will redirect the relationship. I think I know the answer to that, it's just feeling more difficult that I thought it would be. I have a feeling He's using this heavy heart of mine to bring me back to Him.
Anyone have any insight? Gone through this before and have words of wisdom? I'd really appreciate to hear from you.
::end::
When I notice feeling this way, if I keep straying it doesn't take too long before God whacks me with something that brings we reeling back to Him.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, Robin!
I disagree with your statement "I have a feeling He's using this heavy heart of mine to bring me back to Him." I don't think that's the way God works. That's your disease talking to you. God is all things Love, Hope, Joy, Faith... all things positive. Your disease will use things like Fear, Shame, Guilt. God's never going to make you feel Less Than or Not Good Enough. Your disease does that. God is just sometimes the quieter voice that says, "I'm still here, my dear, ready for that spiritual hug whenever you're done beating yourself up."
ReplyDeleteI feel this way so often! I don't have any words of insight, because I'm wandering around the exact same kind of place half the time.
ReplyDeleteI like what Julie says too. I may not always be on fire spiritually but I never feel alone. When you can feel just as one with God when you're not on fire I think it's a good place to be in your life.
ReplyDeleteI'm going through this now, but I've been through it a number of times. It feels like I'm drifting, like He's silent.
ReplyDeleteBut I've learned a few things in my years of valleys and mountains. The first being that we have to keep journeying, which means valleys are part of the deal. They suck, but they are necessary.
The other is that there are 400 years between the old and new testament during which God was silent. There was no word from Him -- no prophets, no visions, do dreams -- just His silence and the resounding promises of a coming King who would redeem Israel and mankind ... so they waited in silence.
People waited and watched while the Roman world grew in power and unjust governments ruled.
It probably seemed like God wasn't listening or there or interested.
But during that time roads were being paved and a unifying language was being implemented ... both of which were necessary to effectively spread a very important message.
So silent? Yes. But still? No. He works in the silence. {This gem is from the pastor at my church -- fyi} Keep trudging, Robin. I'll be praying. And walking along with you.