Halloween as a sober mom.
The first 2 years were filled with extra guests at our house, extra
cocktails being poured, and extra resentment and frustration in my mind as a
result.
This year no extra guests were around, and still the sight of my
husband pouring a cocktail for himself to celebrate the festive day got my
blood boiling and my skin on fire. I snapped and criticized and picked on him
throughout the evening, hiding behind the general excuse of the day being
rushed and busy getting ready for trick-or-treating.
But the truth of the matter is, I still have alcoholism issues I took
out on him. Issues I still need to deal with.
(The other truth, is that I have the most forgiving and
amazing husband who accepts my failures and brokenness, time and time again.
Who works through them with me and genuinely accepts my apology every time.
Bless that man).
But I am well past 2 years of sobriety and don't have any cravings
anymore, and alcoholism snuck it's way back into my life in a split-second in
the form of resentment. Towards my own husband who was celebrating with his
family. It snuck in and robbed me of the pure innocence that is
young kids excited to get their
face painted
young kids running from door to
door hoping for their baskets to be filled to the brim
families scouring through candy baskets searching for
the perfect candy to enjoy before bedtime.
It robbed me of that, because my head was filled with distracting
frustrations and resentments that weren't even warranted. Subconsciously I was
fearing Halloween the third year in a row, and alcoholism won. AGAIN. It
happened so quickly, I didn't even see it coming. In fact, it wasn't until I drove
to work the next morning, and humbled myself to God asking for forgiveness for
hurting my husband's feelings, that I was struck with the reality that this is
an alcoholism issue I needed to work on. And come clean to my husband about.
I have been reminded once again that this disease never goes away. I
can work at it and I can tame it, but it will always be there and I better have
support on my side to get through it all. Luckily, I do.
This post (especially the red & blue colored
sections above) is a contribution to
Bigger Picture Blogs I am Thankful November Series.
What are you thankful for in your life?
Head over to Lenae's
site to
submit your entry or read the entries of other thankful contributors.
This is so wonderfully honest and I appreciate your tone of empowerment. I don't know you or your struggles, but you certainly seem strong enough to take on anything. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI admire your transparency here too, and am so inspired that you were able to recognize what you were doing and where it was coming from, offer it to the Lord and humble yourself before your husband. All these things? Can be absolutely painful to do. Grateful that you're willing to share as you travel the road, Robin.
ReplyDeleteYour faith and your humility provide good and reliable help. In my own struggles in life I sometimes forget to rely on these things. Bravo to you for not forgetting!
ReplyDeleteThis is raw, brave, and honest. It tackles your at what is in your mind, but not within your heart. Your heart is loved not despite your desperation, but because of it. And you will continue to fight against these things that nag at your mind. I will pray for you and yours in your time of need. And Halloween 2012 will be a breeze with God and your family on your side! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI love how honest and open you are with your words and the struggles you still have. Because I think we ALL have our own struggles but we're often too ashamed to admit it. I've been in the healing process from over a year of living in the cloud of postpartum depression and anxiety. I can NOT thank my husband enough for standing by me and loving me through it all - he is amazing. But, there are still moments that hit me full force with the reality that these are things I may struggle with all my life...but I'm learning that I really can overcome and I never ever have to go back to my darkest places. Thank you so much for sharing!
ReplyDeleteYour transparency here, Robin, makes me feel and see and understand so much about your journey. The feeling of having joy stolen from something that is our focus that shouldn't be is totally known in my life ... it's how I've felt about food ... and it's hard. It's hard to rewire the brain. It's hard to turn it all over to God, palms up and not hold onto pieces. Thank you so much for sharing this moment and the gratitude that sprung from it. Your ability to find that gratitude in those hard-as-nails moments is something admirable and lovely.
ReplyDeleteYou are human.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good person.
You have an amazing family and friends.
You will persevere.
You are loved.
Thank you for such raw honesty. Addiction in any form is a beast, and though it slumbers, it eventually wakes. It *is* hard to turn it all to grace, to let God redeem the ugly parts, but He sure can...and He's definitely doing so in your case.
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong and honest! Thank you for sharing this!!
ReplyDeleteOnce you realize where that resentment is coming from, you can truly start to heal. God bless you for your authenticity and willingness to "come clean". ;0)
ReplyDeleteWow. You are an amazing person, you know that, right?
ReplyDeleteHey sister, it's a shocker when our disease snaps into action. I hate it. It usually happens when I'm rolling along, enjoying life and being grateful. That's when it smacks me in the face and I'm so unaware that often it takes a bit for me to realize what caused the negativity.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you for catching it quickly and communicating to Hubby. How amazing is that? What progress you've had!!!
Blessings as always xoxoxox
Naming the issue (resentment), looking it straight in the face and seeing it for what it is, that takes equal doses of strength and wisdom. And you've got both! :-)
ReplyDeleteWhy I don't suffer the same affliction you do I often find my issues sneak up on my at odd times. I also snap and take them out on my poor (but oh so understanding and loving) husband. It's hard what the pysch decides to pour out on us and the most unexpected (or expected) times. You are strong and I have no doubts next Halloween will be the best yet!
ReplyDelete