Halloween as a sober mom.
The first 2 years were filled with extra guests at our house, extra cocktails being poured, and extra resentment and frustration in my mind as a result.
This year no extra guests were around, and still the sight of my husband pouring a cocktail for himself to celebrate the festive day got my blood boiling and my skin on fire. I snapped and criticized and picked on him throughout the evening, hiding behind the general excuse of the day being rushed and busy getting ready for trick-or-treating.
But the truth of the matter is, I still have alcoholism issues I took out on him. Issues I still need to deal with.
(The other truth, is that I have the most forgiving and amazing husband who accepts my failures and brokenness, time and time again. Who works through them with me and genuinely accepts my apology every time. Bless that man).
But I am well past 2 years of sobriety and don't have any cravings anymore, and alcoholism snuck it's way back into my life in a split-second in the form of resentment. Towards my own husband who was celebrating with his family. It snuck in and robbed me of the pure innocence that is
young kids excited to get their face painted
young kids running from door to door hoping for their baskets to be filled to the brimIt robbed me of that, because my head was filled with distracting frustrations and resentments that weren't even warranted. Subconsciously I was fearing Halloween the third year in a row, and alcoholism won. AGAIN. It happened so quickly, I didn't even see it coming. In fact, it wasn't until I drove to work the next morning, and humbled myself to God asking for forgiveness for hurting my husband's feelings, that I was struck with the reality that this is an alcoholism issue I needed to work on. And come clean to my husband about.
I have been reminded once again that this disease never goes away. I can work at it and I can tame it, but it will always be there and I better have support on my side to get through it all. Luckily, I do.