splish-splash

It seems everyone is posting that today felt like the start of the summer, and it is no exception here. 

Saturday we went to the beach, but today was the first day our pool felt warm enough to actually go in it,

so in my mind, on this Memorial Day, it really feels like summer is kickin' off. 

Today was filled with turkey burgers, watermelon, fruit smoothies, 

beach towels

splashing, floaties, iced tea, snorkel masks, 

sunshine, sunblock, and smiles. 

It was not filled with any shut-ups or attitudes. 

This is my favorite time of year. 

Curly for a week.

Tonight I messed up. 

A neighbor kid was over playing video games with Loudoun, Avalon was playing with her little friend. It was late in the afternoon, nobody had napped, the neighbor got mad at Loudoun and said, "I hate Loudoun!" Rick got mad and reprimanded the kid, Avalon and her friend were all riled up, and as I tried to walk the neighbor out the front door to go home, Loudoun was jabbering away to the kid, over and over again, and I said, 

Loudoun, shut up and walked out the door. 

It didn't even register in my head what I had just done until Rick came flying out of the house, What are you DOING? Loudoun's in there crying 'cause you told him to shut up.

And then my heartbreak set in. 

In all of the chaos, I said something to my kid that was completely hurtful and unacceptable. My heart still burns as I type that. 

At first I was mad at my husband for coming outside yelling at me, how dare he talk to me in such a way. But as I replayed everything that had just happened, it took me about 3 seconds to turn it all back on myself...I was the only one at fault. I reacted in the heat of the moment, and lashed out at someone I should always protect. 

 I quickly came in and sat next to Loudoun, and apologized for saying such a hurtful thing to him. I asked for his forgiveness, which he gave right away, but I could tell he was still hurt, understandably. After explaining I had made a horrible mistake, I never meant to talk that way to my son, it slipped out and I didn't mean it, and I am so heartbroken for hurting his feelings, I ended it with letting him choose my punishment. 

He thought about for a minute, and came up with, You can't do anything to your hair for a week....no straightening, product, or ponytails, and no lipstick except chapstick.

He was smiling ear to ear. 

Done kid, whatever you say. Just seeing you smile again, I'll go forever with no hairstyle. 

Later in the evening I pulled him aside and complimented him on his ability to forgive. That boy has such a big heart; one that was so easy for me to hurt with the sting of harsh words, but one that was willing to forgive his mama who messed up. 

Curly for a week. 

thank you, with fish

As a very special thank you from Grandma to Loudoun, because he HELPED and SAVED her all week long when it came to taking care of Avalon, sticking to the school schedule, distracting Avalon right before tantrums might have erupted, and keeping the week flowing smoothly, she bought him a very, special present.

He helped pick it out.

And set it up himself.

And selected the fish to become his new pets.

What an awesome gift! A well deserved one for sure.

time appreciated

in South Beach for 1 week

time away

time to relax

time to share together

time to explore

time to indulge

time remembered.

  

perfect for ME, right?

what it was like back then...

Yesterday I went rummaging through my closet, the garage, my nightstand and our fireproof file cabinet on a hunt for pictures of me when I was a little toddler/girl, with the goal of seeing how much my kids resemble me back then vs. now.

I hardly found any of me under the age of 5, because I am old enough that all of those pictures are stored in my mom's mustard yellow and olive green photo albums on her bookshelf. One of these days I need to get over there and scan those in, so we have them forever before acid completely destroys all of the images she has behind non acid-free cellophane.

On a side note, how cool will it be that when our kids are grown up, we can hand then multiple discs filled with thousands of photos of them from birth to current. My mom did a great job recording our youth, but when your camera film only takes 27 shots at a time, and developing them might only produce 15 good shots, well there is just no way to compete with today's technology. 

Anyway, where was I....

So, of the photos I did find in my house, they were all photos I took personally as a teenager and then of course as an adult. And while my memory of being just a "party girl" explains away how I could not have possibly been an alcoholic back then, I was shocked at how many pictures I found where I was holding bottles or drinks.

Seriously, I was always drinking!

I loved it. It was FUN. It went so well with all of the occasions I was involved in...raves, snowboarding in mountain towns, living in Venice Beach, did I mention raves? I loved drinking.

But anyone seeing this stream of photos in my shoebox would be an idiot not to see an alcoholic pattern. Wow, such a wake-up.

Since joining AA and going through the steps, I had already come to grips with a pattern that formed well before I officially labeled myself an alcoholic, but this really brought it front and center. I was embarrassed and ashamed to see myself that way. I actually felt sorry for my younger self, to go through those years the way I did.

But it's all a learning process, right? I mean, without failing and picking yourself up, one might never know how to get better. So here I am. A work in progress. Not drinking, proud of it, and happy to have a clear head.

And pictures that don't include bottles anymore.

CRAVINGS

I was recently asked in the comment section of a random post about my kid bending his arms over his head if I struggle with drinking. I have written my response in my head many times in the past week while on vacation, always scratching it out and starting over.


Because the truth is?


I don't struggle.


I don't think about drinking, I don't crave drinking, and I don't wish I could drink again. Really ever. Of course there are random moments when I smell Kahlua somewhere and momentarily miss a nice coffee drink with dessert. Or see a salt-rimmed margarita glass on a table next to the chips and salsa, and wish I could have one.


But day to day, weekend to weekend, morning to night, I don't think about or miss alcohol. I don't wish I had it to unwind, or get through a rough day, or numb the pain of a tough situation. It isn't a necessary part of a celebration and as I found out this past week, I don't need it to get through a vacation.


And I hate writing that, because 1) I don't want to make anyone feel bad if they still do crave alcohol, and 2) I don't want anyone to think I feel I did something to earn this, because I had absolutely nothing to do with it.


Jesus did.


I owe all of my recovery to Him. He saved me, repaired me, taught me a new way, and saves me every single day by removing the craving. I feel so blessed by His mercy.


I don't deserve it. 


I don't know why it is this way for me....
Maybe craving alcohol isn't supposed to be my trial to deal with right now. 
Maybe He took away the daily craving so I can deal with other issues in this time and space. 
Maybe He is setting me up for other things in the future. 
Maybe He made my sobriety path look this way so I can share how awesome He is with whoever reads this post. 
Maybe there are people out there, teetering on quitting drinking, or teetering on turning their life over to Jesus. And this will open doors. 
Maybe I will never know why He took the craving away from me. 


All I know is I am so grateful. 
I don't deserve this gift, and yet He has given it to me.

******************************

~Ephesians 2:3-5

All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.  

******************************


Disclaimer: I do not assume it will be like this forever, I do not take for granted how amazing this gift is, and I remind myself every day that I am still an alcoholic, who will never be able to drink normally again. And again, I did NOTHING to earn or deserve this. 

Vacation: Woohoo!

My husband and I are off to Miami Beach on Monday for a week for a work conference/vacation. Although I came down with a cold last night, I have been praying that I will be feeling better by Monday morning, as I am ready to enjoy some quiet time on a warm beach.

Unlike my last big vacation, I have no worries about drinking this time. What a relief! I think time in sobriety and practice in turning it over to my Higher Power is definitely bringing me peace. I do however worry about ruining all of my Ripped in 30 progress with all of the meals I will indulge in. But I can always jump back into 30 more days of Jillian's workouts. I originally thought I would switch to a tankini this year, but I stumbled across a new bikini and thought, might as well, it's Miami! This ol' mom can wear a tankini the rest of the summer.

The grandparents will be staying with our kids all week, and I am so excited about all of the fun times they will have together. Hopefully they will get the kids to school on time each day, as I know Avalon can really slow down the process. But if not, at least it will all be an adventure.

I'll be back in a week!
Robin

Can you do this?

Loudoun challenged me to do this:

Up and over your head, without unlocking your hands. 

This must be an elementary school thing. 

I can hang. 

We looked pretty silly trying, but we sure did laugh a lot. 

12 x 12 x 12

equals one small Avalon. 

Seriously, look at that ruler on your desk....I cannot believe she fit in there. 

Right after she got out, the kids tore apart the box 

and "snowboarded" around the hardwood floors for hours. 

I remember those days. Although, I'm so old that snowboarding wasn't 

popular yet when I was little, so we ice skated around my kitchen. 

I should have put mops beneath their "snowboards" 

and my Mother's Day would have been complete. 

Although, honestly, I could care less about clean floors. 

My kids let me sleep in and made me breakfast. 

And didn't whine all weekend. 

such treats.

She has a disease

She came to me for help. 
I brought her into my home. She was at her lowest. Rock bottom. 


So I shared the Gospel with her. 


I didn't expect her to be responsive. 
She wasn't. 


So I shared AA with her. 


I didn't expect her to be responsive. She wasn't. 


I never expected her to gamble away everything we provided for her in an instant, but she did. I didn't expect her to put her kids at risk, but she did. 


And surprisingly? I wasn't mad (Well, maybe a little...ok, I was). 


But mostly, I was so sad for her. 


My heart was broken for her, and her kids. I know she has a drinking problem. I know her drinking problem is blinding her from seeing what she needs to do as a mother. Her desire to go out and drink was stronger than doing her motherly job that night. 


This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful, and it has a hold of her. 


With the events that unfolded, we could no longer allow her to stay with us. 


So, I sent her an email in more detail about the disease, AA and how alcoholism is controlling her life. ABOUT HOW I UNDERSTAND. I can only hope that she will read it, and reread it, and maybe it will sink in. Because so far it hasn't, and that breaks my heart. 


Would you mind praying for her?

Bigger Picture Moment: Comfort

As I walked across the promenade shopping center at lunchtime, I heard it. A little boy crying, sitting on his mama's lap on a park bench, her arms wrapped around his little curled up body. An injury must have just occurred, a skinned knee or a stubbed toe, and she had scooped him up the second it happened to console him.

He started with that pause, that moment in time when he isn't crying, blinking or making any sound for that matter. The long, silent inhale broke into the wail that had built up. What initially started as a startling, loud, panicked cry, had softened into a tender baby's cry by the time I walked by...one that was repetitive but not boisterous or frightening. You know the one. The one that says, I am not totally ok yet, but in your arms I am ok. Just give me a few more minutes to carry on in this, for my own relief and solace.

As I walked past this mother and her young son, I felt a sense of comfort. Not from the boy's pain, but from the bonding experience they were enjoying together, and the memories of all of the moments I share with my children in similar situations.

With my son, these moments are fading, as a seven year old cries more regularly about video games being shut off or chores feeling too overwhelming on a Saturday morning when he would rather ride his bike. But the bonding moments have not disappeared, thankfully, as he still falls from that bike or feels left out when he wasn't invited to a schoolmate's party, and needs his mama close.

With my daughter, these tender moments occur almost daily, since almost anything can trigger a broken heart to someone who is three. Losing a headband, bumping an elbow, missing Grandma who we haven't seen in a week, spilling rocks in the driveway, or seeing a balloon deflated the next morning. She begs me to scoop her up often.

I saw comfort in that little boy on the park bench, because he reminded me of the bond I have with my kids. The ability I have to comfort them when they need it, and their trust in coming to me when they hurt.

I hurry so fast to fix their pain. 

I am their mama. 

Whoa, how lucky that makes me feel. 


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We're seeing the Bigger Picture through simple moments -- moments that force us to stop and take notice of the ways our worlds are important, meaningful, and beautiful. Please join us today! Grab the button, link up and then go forth and encourage the two people before you while they are walking this journey of intentional living.

Slow down, baby.

Luckily, we have another year until Kinder. 

Because I am not quite ready to have my last baby out of preschool. 

One more year, one more year.

Circus Circus

In ideal situations, the iPhone 4 can take beautiful pictures. In not so ideal situations, like say indoors, poorly lit rooms (with moving children, moving pets, etc) the same camera does not perform very well at all.


Knowing all this, I understand exactly why this picture did not turn out.

BUT...


it still captures their EXACT moods and therefore is still the perfect picture to describe Sunday afternoon. Tired, in need of an afternoon nap and mesmerized by the circus performers.


What a fun idea for a 4 year old birthday party. The adults had a blast, too. 

She melts our hearts

We sent Florence, our Compassion child, a monetary birthday gift when we signed up to sponsor her in late January. We received a letter from her on Saturday, saying she was able to buy 2 new dresses and a pair of shoes, and also allow her mom to save money for other family things. 

It was such a blessing for our family to hear from her (as it always is), but we also received a picture!! Look at how adorable she is. I broke out in tears seeing her.

Psalm 63:7
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.